LETTING GO OF OUR CAREER IDENTITY

(Part 2 Voluntarily-Parenting)

 

“Letting Go means to entrust into the hands of the Lord, to surrender control of, to relinquish power over, and to trust the Lord with.” Only in Letting Go will our minds, emotions, wills, find rest and cease to struggle.

 

In our last blog we discussed what it means to lose our career identity involuntarily due to a layoff, getting fired, retired (not because we chose to), or because of some physical or mental limitation. It is when we had no control over the circumstances for which we lost our career. We shared the metaphor of eagles losing their eaglet due to some unforeseen circumstances. Many of us spent hours studying, obtaining degrees, and countless hours away from our family to ensure the eaglet was well taken care of; in the end, it all felt futile. The eaglet doesn’t fly away as a natural progression of life (retirement) but is snatched away from us and given to another father or mother eagle to take care of it, or it dies. This is a very painful experience and what takes over us is grief for our loss!

 

Grief is described as “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss, feelings of regret. To suffer disappointment, misfortune or trouble.”

 

Today, I want to look at the grief we may experience due to the natural process of letting go of our child/children after our parenting role has changed. This occurs when our child has graduated from high school, college, get married, move out to live on their own, or a decision has been made he or she can no longer live at home.

 

First, let’s look at the natural progression of parenting. The parents’ job is to create a safe and healthy environment for their child to grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Parents provide a loving environment where the child learns and explores. Eventually, the child takes what he or she has learned and apply it to his or her own belief system. Parents spend hours and years instilling in the child their values and perspectives about the world around them. This is no easy task. From our Heavenly Father’s perspective, parents’ main ‘focus’ should be to instruct and introduce the child to his or her Heavenly Father and Lord Jesus in hopes the child will discover who he or she really is In Christ and fulfill the destiny and purpose for which he or she was created. If the last mandate wasn’t imparted, then children will feel lost in the world and may wander, without a compass, trying to make sense of their life and the world around them. Our Father’s command to parents is “Train up a child in the way he or she should go”… the way to go is to return to his or her relationship with Christ and our Heavenly Father.

 

 

Second, the process of leaving the parents begins in early childhood as children learn to move farther and farther away from parents at small intervals of time. It is in a child’s DNA to move on; our Father created us all that way. During puberty, a natural tension begins to grow between parents and teenagers as the goal for independence and protection began to war. The child feels the need to make his or her own decisions (even though his or her judgment has not fully developed) and the parents’ need to protect them because they realize the child’s judgment is underdeveloped. However, this is the stage where parents have to learn to let go and entrust them to a Father, who loves and cares for them and will teach them through His way or methods of parenting because fleshly strategies will not work. By the age of 18, it is a normal progression for a child, who is now a teenager, to want to leave the comforts of home and experience life on his or her own.

 

Finally, by the time the child has grown-up and ready to move on, both the parent and the child experience joy and fear simultaneously. Yaaah the beautiful war has ended! I say that sarcastically because sometimes life wasn’t so beautiful; feelings were hurt, ugly words exchanged, but in the end, healthy relationships remained intact… now it is time to say goodbye.

 

Grief and loss for parents and children are very painful… it is heart-wrenching! The nest will be empty and the child will be venturing out of his or her nest into a new world all alone. But if the parents instilled in the child who he or she really is In Christ… the child will discover life as a very precious adventure with his or her Lord. Because letting go and the grief process can be such a painful experience, I would like to share some tips that may help the process to help you move from grief to peace.

 

TOGETHER

1. Take time to talk to each other about your thoughts and feelings about his or her moving on. This will be so helpful for both of you through this phase.
2. Iron out and apologize and forgive each other for any painful experiences you had in the past so that you leave each other with a clean slate.
3. Let them know how much you love them and appreciate them, not because of what he or she has done (accomplished or not accomplished), but because of who he or she is.
4. As a parent, admit your shortcomings to them and remind them the only perfect parent in the universe is his or her Heavenly Father. (It will help when he or she becomes parents. Children always believe they could have done a better job of parenting than you.)
5. Take time to reflect on the wonderful times you had together. Here is a time to get out the pictures, memorabilia, and silly things you all did together.
6. Affirm each other, pass the blessings on and on. Play together, do something fun and enjoyable.
7. Finally, pray together and let them hear you say, “I release you into the hands of your Heavenly Father who created you for His glory and purpose. May you go into the world allowing Christ to live through you as Your Father, our Lord Jesus, and Holy Spirit, work in you to do of their GOOD PLEASURE, AMEN.”

 

PARENTS

1. When your child leaves, take time with your Heavenly Father to grieve, cry, mourn, hurt, reflect, and share your broken heart with Him. It will take time, but He understands and will carry you through this hour if you let Him.
2. You will want to hide or stuff your feelings through activities, busyness, etc. Please don’t, let your heart heal through grieving.
3. Go into his or her room, pull out the baby things, look at the pictures, laugh, cry, and mourn no matter how long it takes to go through it.
4. Caution: Don’t try to get back into his or her life immediately or call them right after he or she is gone; that’s called ‘bargaining.’ Your child also needs time to grieve and learn to not depend on his or her parents anymore, but on his or her Lord.
5. Ask the Lord to keep you and to let you know when you are interfering in what He is doing in your child’s life. It is time to let go, so you can be free to discover your New career identity and a New phase of life. You will always be their parents. However, a New added dimension forms from not just their parents to their FRIEND.

 

Prayer: Thank you, Papa, for the career identity of parenting. It is a hard job but such a rewarding one! Father, please don’t let me interfere with what You are doing in my child’s life as You are weaning them from my breast to yours… El Shaddai, the many-breasted one who feeds all of Your children fully and completely so he or she has no lack for anything. AMEN