My soul is HOME now. She can rest forever in the arms of her Papa and her Beloved Lord Jesus. No, I did not die, physically, as you can tell, but I did die to all of my wants, desires, hopes, dreams, expectations of others, and found everything I have ever longed for, here, in the Arms of My Father. Even though I have two brain aneurysms, depression, and emotionally unstable sometimes, because of cognitive impairments, my Papa and Lord Jesus continue to give me the grace to share their hearts and our story. This is how it all began. (See my full story in my book “My Return Home to Innocence” on my website selahwithlove.com or Amazon.com)
I was born Tresca Trent, in Albany Georgia, to two teens who were being naughty. My mother got pregnant and as the story goes, they were forced to get married. The marriage only lasted two years. Somehow as a child, I felt I was a “mistake.” I felt out-of-place. I began running away from home and desired to move in with other families because when I reached out to my mother, she was unable to respond to my nagging calls because no one had answered hers. I reached out to my father, who was in and out of jail a man lost himself, he could not answer my nagging calls. “Hello, is anybody home?” I cried. I searched for 22 years for someone to love me, to touch me, to hold me, to let me know that “I was worth loving.” I wanted someone to tell me, “I was good enough” and that I do not have to do anything to be fully accepted…no one ever did. I had my sister, grandmother, great-grandmother, aunts, teachers, and friends around me but they could not answer the nagging calls in my heart. So I began my journey, in search to fill the longings of my heart…the nagging calls.
It all began at the age of four when the doors of my innocence were opened and sexual impurities invaded the rooms of my soul. My next-door neighbor invited me over to her house to play. She was much older than I and had younger brothers. What I experienced was not play but a touch, the kind of touching no four-year-old should have ever experienced. After it was over, I ran to tell my mother what had happened and she said; “You should not have been over there in the first place.” Those words stayed with me all of my life. It said to me, whenever and if ever someone touches your body in ways, that make you feel ashamed, “It is my fault, something is wrong with me.” That was the beginning of years of abuse from boys, men, women, and girls…and so the cycle of sexual abuse began and I too became a perpetrator. It was the beginning of my soul splitting into two personalities, “the good girl” and “the bad girl” a serious mental illness called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and also Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) took over my soul. It was the beginning of me becoming whatever people wanted me to be as long as they would love me and accept me. I lived an awful lie, trying to appease both parts of me. On one hand, I was a cheerleader, choir member, dancer, singer, popular, funny, and the life of the party. But on the other hand, promiscuous, drugs, partying, lying, stealing, drinking, seductive, and manipulative. I was a lost, empty, needy soul, open to anyone who would fill the emptiness in my heart. I hurt many people, attempted suicide, because of an abortion, destroyed many relationships, lost part of me everywhere, I was looking for someone to pick up the phone of my heart to just answer my nagging calls.
On July 26, 1979, when I was in the Air Force, in an empty football stadium at Eielson AFB Alaska, Jesus answered the phone. Oh, we had talked together for many years before then, via one-way calls. I prayed and told Him what I wanted, then hung up the phone. I did not talk to Him again until I needed something or was in a bad situation I could not handle. I was baptized at age eight, went to church all of the time, paid my tithes, did all the ‘churchy’ things I was supposed to do, but our relationship was a long-distance relationship, even though I longed for something different. But one day in that stadium, broken, tired, weary, and did not want to be the person I was anymore. I said to the Lord, “Jesus, you know what kind of life I have lived and the awful things I have done; you will have to change me because I can’t change myself; please come into my heart, forgive me for my sins and please change me.” Guess what, He did! From the top of my head to the soles of my feet, I felt like water being poured all over me. I ran to my room to see if I was wet and heard His words so clearly to me for the first time, “Born again, you have been born-again!” A brand new life had begun. He took the OLD Tresca and birthed a NEW one, the REAL ME who looked just like my Heavenly Father. A Brand NEW Spirit lived inside of me! Jesus lived IN ME! That was the first time in 22 years I had ever felt heaven, perfect peace, love, acceptance was during that very moment.
For the past 42 years, since I began my NEW life in Christ, my soul still had OLD patterns, mental illnesses, and demonic strongholds that had to be healed and restored. Jesus promised me one day while sitting on the side of the bed, “My love, I will RESTORE your soul, just let me.” My soul said yes! Since our meeting in 1979, our journey has been one of much joy and much sorrow. Because my soul had three lovers: the world, the flesh, and the enemy, they all wanted to keep me for themselves. It has been the love of Christ who has loved me, pursued me, and who has never given up on me who brought my soul back home to Himself. In spite of a beautiful relationship that began so sweetly, I became very religious and was taught to know God through FEAR (cultish) or He would be angry with me. The focus was on ME DOING, instead of HIM BEING who He was through me. One of the most poignant moments in our journey was in 1986. I had been working so hard trying to please the Lord, serving in the church, helping others, praying for everyone who needed me (I wanted to be needed); the Lord brought me to this reality, “I don’t need you to work for me; I just need you to love me.” He continued, “I have the angels to serve me and they answer my beckoning call; they do whatever I desire for them to do, but what they can’t do as only you can do my love, is LOVE me.” Over the years, I have learned to let go of and surrender my career, things, people, church activities, and places my soul was hiding in to fill my most intimate needs and to meet others’ expectations. I am allowing Him to fill them instead. Only my Father and Lord can satisfy the longings of my heart. Only the one who created me for a beautiful relationship and His purposes could ever answer the nagging calls of my heart and say fully, completely, without a shadow of a doubt…YOU ARE PERFECT MY BELOVED AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!
For the Lord satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with GOOD things…You are GOOOD! Psalm 107:9
I served others as a pastoral counselor, psycho-therapist supervisor, teacher, and mentor for over 35 years. Through His Fullness Ministries and HFM Counseling Center in Cedar Park, Texas, my spiritual daughters, granddaughter, and I ministered to almost 7000 beautiful souls ages 2-80 during the 10 years the ministry was active (closed 2015). His Fullness Ministries was a beautiful place where lives were transformed by the Holy Spirit and the life of Christ through counseling, mentoring groups, fellowship groups, retreats, seminars, conferences, and women’s breakfasts.
I am retired as a Commissioned Minister and Pastoral Counselor with Network 220 (www.network220.com), formerly Exchanged Life Ministries International where I completed the Grace Life Training in 2006. I have a Master of Social Work degree from the University of Denver and my Bachelor of Social Work degree from Arizona State University. I also attended St. Michaels Seminary for Pastoral Counseling and Teaching.
I am happily married to the man of my dreams for over 40 years. For the past three years, our Father has taken us through fire and through deep waters to heal and restore our souls from our painful childhood past and the pains of my illness.
Thank you, Father, for all of the amazing things you have done in and through this little beautiful lump of clay! A new chapter in our life has so beautifully emerged. Now retired, my Lord and I continue to share the healing love and grace of God through writing: blogs, stories, songs, and children’s books – Selah the Little Lamb in: The Rescue, Selah the Little Lamb in: My Little Friend Worry, and A Heart of Gold.
My autobiography My Return Home to Innocence can be found on Amazon.com.